Connie and Lars
by Boonaw
Summary: Connie tells Steven that she likes Lars in order to make him jealous, but things didn't go quite her way...


**Connie and Lars**

 **By: Boonaw**

 **CHAPTER 1: The Misunderstanding**

It was February, and 3 days before Valentine's Day. Steven and Connie were in Steven's room, playing Mario.

 _ **Connie:**_ _"What the hell Steven! Stop FUCKING KILLING ME!" Connie said angrily, ready to strangle Steven!_

 _ **Steven:**_ _"Hahaha, it's just a game Connie" Steven said trollishly._

After playing a few more levels of Mario, Connie was way too pissed off, so they stopped playing and were laying on Steven's bed.

 _ **Connie:**_ _"So…. Steven you know Valentine's Day is in 3 days right?" she asked._

 _ **Steven:**_ _"Oh! OH! Yeah I do… Why do you ask?" he questioned_

 _ **Connie:**_ _"Because I wanna know who's going to be your Valentine!" She said happily with a wink._

A bead of grease dripped from Steven's hair, and his heart started to race, he wanted Connie to be his Valentine but didn't have the meat to ask her, he wasn't ready! Steven blurted out awkwardly:

 _ **Steven:**_ _"Aaah uum Yoo-y~-PERIDOOOT!" he screamed!_

Connie was stunned, and sad, kind mad too, because she thought he was going to say her, and she knew he was being a fat, lying, cunt, but Connie had no need to fear, jealousy was here!

 _ **Connie:**_ _"Well Lars is going to be my Valentine!" she said sarcastically_.

Steven couldn't understand sarcasm because he had Asperger's, but no one knew.

 _ **Steven:**_ _"WHAT WHY WOULD YOU WANT THAT JACK OFF LARS!?" Steven said angrily._

Steven's face began to turn red, and he started to frown.

 _ **Connie:**_ _"Because Lars be packin' wink wink" she said suggestively…_

 _ **Steven:**_ _"What?" Steven said confused._

 _ **Connie:**_ _"Plus Lars has that gay boy body, mmm I could just eat him up, wink wink" she said suggestively…_

 _ **Steven:**_ _"Why do you keep saying wink wink?" Steven questioned._

Connie was shocked at how retarded Steven was, but she just though he was kidding, and said that it was nothing. After a few hours of talking about _Talking Breakfast friends_ Connie had to go home. Steven was extremely mad, and his ego finally started to show.

 _ **Steven:**_ _"How could that hoe not like ALL THIS!?" Steven said to himself._

 _ **Steven:**_ _"Man bitches don't know a man when they see one, these days!"_

Garnet teleported into the house, came up to Steven's room.

 _ **Garnet:**_ _"Hey Steven! Valentine's Day is coming up, who's your Valentine?" Garnet said with a big smile on her face._

 _ **Steven:**_ _"EEERAAGH GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY ROOM YOU LESBO!" Steven shouted with fire._

Garnet didn't get mad though, she'd been ready for this day for a while now. Garnet went and sat on Steven's bed and pulled a knife out from nowhere, Steven got uneasy, and then she pulled out a box from her hair. She then used the knife to open it, in this box was a puberty book.

 _ **Garnet:**_ _"Time to give you the talk!" Garnet said happily._

 _ **Steven:**_ _"I already kn-"_

 _ **Garnet:**_ _"Shhh! Listen you fat fuck!" Garnet yelled._

Steven shut his fat ass up and listened. After the talk Steven was paralyzed, but he finally knew why his cuck penis got hard, and Steven knew Connie was the reason, and that she had to be his, Steven came up with an idea!

 _ **Steven:**_ _"She will be mine!" Steven whispered evilly as he went to sleep._

 **The next day**

Steven had just awoken, 2 days were left before he had to make his move, and Steven decided that today was going to be the day to execute his plan! Steven opened his phone and called the African, I mean Connie.

 _ **Connie:**_ _"Hey Ste-"_

 _ **Steven:**_ _"Connie come hang out at my house, we gotta beat Mario!" Steven said hastily after interrupting Connie_

 _ **Connie:**_ _"Um, I can't…" she said nervously._

 _ **Steven:**_ _"But why? You sound… Nervous." He asked considered._

A little pause happened between them, before Connie uttered a word.

 _ **Connie:**_ _"I… I'm… I'm hanging out with Lars today!" she exclaimed!_

Steven was shocked and pissed off, so pissed off that he didn't say a word.

 _ **Connie:**_ _"St-Steven? Are you there?" she questioned_.

But Steven didn't reply, he just hung up on that "cheating" hoe. Steven was so mad that he made the definition of angry scared. Steven decided to change his plan a bit, to sooth his "pain". Steven dressed up in the camo that he got from Ronaldo. To make his new plan work Steven had to call Ronaldo for help.

 _ **Ronaldo:**_ _"Um who is this, some green alien!?" Ronaldo said paranoid._

 _ **Steven:**_ _"No.. No! It's me Steven" Steven reassured._

 _ **Ronaldo:**_ _"That's exactly what a green alien would say!"_

 _ **Steven:**_ _"I'm not a damn alien! Also I need something, a favor…" Steven said ominously…_

 _ **Ronaldo:**_ _"I'm listening…."_

Steven then told Ronaldo his plan, and Ronaldo agreed to help him. Ronaldo met Steven at his house, with a camo suite on, of course. They got their equipment ready and headed out to find those two sambos.

 **CHAPTER 2: The Plan**

After 5 minutes of searching, Steven and Ronaldo finally found Connie and Lars, they were on the boardwalk talking. Steven and Ronaldo went and hid behind a building.

 _ **Steven:**_ _"Ronaldo, we have to find out what they're talking about!" Steven exclaimed_

 _ **Ronaldo:**_ _"Gotcha, I got this sweet Audio Booster 2000 last week!"_

Ronaldo turned it on and they started to listen to what they were saying, but to their surprise it wasn't them they were listening to, it was some woman and man moaning!

 _ **Ronaldo:**_ _"OH SHIT! SORRY STEVEN! I DIDN'T KNOW I RECORDED THAT!" Ronaldo said frightened._

 _ **Steven:**_ _"Wh-what have you been eavesdropping on!? You know what… never mind let's just listen in on their conversation!"_

Ronaldo then pressed the right button, and they could now hear everything they were saying. Luckily for them they started eavesdropping on them at the juiciest moment!

 _ **Connie:**_ _"So Lars who's your Valentine gonna be?" Connie asked._

 _ **Lars:**_ _"Well… I don't know, why do you care?" Lars said rudely!_

This made Steven mad, no sambo was going to be rude to his bitch! Steven told Ronaldo to put on his ski mask, and to get ready to execute the plan.

 _ **Connie:**_ _"Well can you be my Valentine!?" Connie rushed to say!_

Steven dropped Ronaldo's Audio Booster 2000 on the ground, and knew at that moment that he didn't stand a chance against the gay boy.

 _ **Steven:**_ _"Ronaldo NOW!" Steven whispered loudly._

They started to creep up to Connie and Lars.

 _ **Lars:**_ _"EW WHY!? You're like… 12!" Lars shouted rudely, of course, but Steven and Ronaldo did not hear this._

 _ **Connie:**_ _"It's to make Steven jelly okay! All you have to do is pretend!" Connie fired back! "I…..I'll pay you well for your service!"_

Lars thought about and knew he couldn't pass up an opportunity like this, he needed more money!

 _ **Lars:**_ _"Okay, okay, but ONLY for 1 DAY!" Lars said._

Connie agreed with him, they got up and looked at each other with smiles, Lars was smiling because he was going to get more money, and Connie was smiling because everything was falling into her plan, but Steven didn't see it that way, he saw it as betrayal! Then all of a sudden!

 _ **Steven:**_ _"Fuk you Bich" Steven said in a deep voice as he punched Connie's huge ass nose!_

Connie fell to the ground, bleeding, and starting to sob a little, but Steven wasn't having any shit, he got a bottle from the bag and smashed it on Connie's head. Connie got K.O.-ed, now it was Lars' turn! Lars shit himself and was about to run away, but Ronaldo threw a trash can at him!

 _ **Ronaldo:**_ _"Yeah how'd you like that you GREEN BITCH!?" Ronaldo shouted with no remorse._

 _ **Lars:**_ _"Who are you!?" Lars questioned in fear… "Wha-what do you want!" Lars yelled with fear!_

 _ **Ronaldo:**_ _"You illegal aliens are always so ignorant…" He said with a huge smile, as he proceeded to punch Lars in face a few times!_

 _ **Steven:**_ _"WAIT! LET ME GET SOME OF THIS SAMBO!" Steven yelled._

Steven pulled out a hammer from his pocket and put it into the air! Lars though that his life was going to over now, he started to freak out a little, but it turned out that Steven just had to put a nail on the boardwalk back into place.

 _ **Steven:**_ _"Few, that thing was bothering me so much haha" Steven said happily._

Then immediately after Steven kicked Lars in the face, Lars was begging the fat ass to stop, so he stopped kicking him and started to punch him in the face! Ronaldo also decided to take a crack at it, Ronaldo got a whip out and whipped his face. Lars was knocked out. A few people saw what had happened but they didn't pay any mind to it.

 _ **Ronaldo:**_ _"What do we do now Steven?" The curious Ronaldo asked._

 _ **Steven:**_ _"You take Lars up to the light house, and I'll heal Connie and put her in my house._

 _ **Ronaldo:**_ _"Roger that captain!"_

Ronaldo picked up Lars and carried him to the lighthouse, while Steven spit in his hands and whipped it on Connie's face to heal her, she was still knocked out so Steven carried her to his house and sat her on his bed. Steven was curious to know the whereabouts of the Crystal Gems, but he had bigger fish to fry.

 _ **Steven:**_ _"I'll be back, you just stay there!" Steven said to the unconscious Connie._

 **CHAPTER 3: Torture**

Steven made his towards the lighthouse, he walked in to find that everything was going well, Lars was tied to a chair, naked for some reason, and Ronaldo had all the sex I mean torture equipment out ready for use.

 _ **Steven:**_ _"Wake the faggot up." Steven ordered._

 _ **Ronaldo:**_ _"YES SIR" he said obediently!_

Ronaldo then slapped Lars in the face, but things didn't go the way they though it would.

 _ **Lars:**_ _"Mmm yea smack me harder Saddie…" Lars muttered in his sleep._

 _ **Steven:**_ _"What the fuck…." Steven said confused…_

Ronaldo then slapped him harder, so hard that it shattered the windows of the lighthouse! Lars "ALMOST DIED" from this slap, but he did wake, screaming. They had to duct tape his faggot mouth shut.

 _ **Steven:**_ _"Calm down, m-my nigga!" Steven said awkwardly._

Steven then untapped Lars mouth so that he could talk.

 _ **Lars:**_ _"Wh-WHO ARE YOU and what do you want!?" he said uneasy._

 _ **Steven:**_ _"The person who's hoe you tried to take!" Steven said angrily._

Lars at first was confused, but then he started to think back, he started thinking about Connie, and finally noticed who kidnapped him.

 _ **Lars:**_ _"ST-STEVEN"Lars Exclaimed._

 _Steven: "YEAH SHIT SKIN! I bet you're scared now!" Steven shouted angrily._

 _Lars: "But why!?" Lars replied._

Steven pulled off his mask and starred Lars in the eye like a true alpha male.

 _ **Steven:**_ _"You tried to steal Connie from me! YOU MEGOLO DICK MUNCHER!" Steven replied!_

 _ **Lars:**_ _"No you're mis-ER" Lars had been interrupted by a mighty fist to his face from Ronaldo!_

 _ **Ronaldo:**_ _"SHUT YOUR FUCKING MOUTH ALIEN!" Ronaldo yelled!_

Lars shut his fucking mouth, and was bleeding from his eye now. Steven and Ronaldo decided to amp things up. Ronaldo pulled a TV in front of Lars, and turned it on. It was one of those old giant TV's with that annoying buzzing sound. Steven then inserted a tape into it, and hit play.

 _ **Steven:**_ _"I didn't want to do this, but you left me no choice…" Steven said sadly._

 _ **Lars:**_ _"Whaa?" Lars said dazed._

The video started to play.

 **~The Video~**

The video was inside of the big donut in the entrance area.

 _ **Steven:**_ _"Give it to me straight Saddie, do you like Lars?" Steven asked._

 _ **Saddie:**_ _"Well… I use to, until I found out that he was gay! Plus he's such a douche!" Sadie replied._

 _ **Steven:**_ _"Dang that's sad…_ _ha…. ha_ _…" Steven said._

Then Steven slapped Saddie's ass and said…

 _ **Steven:**_ _"I am the alpha male then!" He shouted._

 _ **Saddie:**_ _"OH STEVEN! You can't do that around here… Follow me *wink" She said with a blush._

Then they walked into the back room and then the video ended.

 **~End Video~**

Lars was shocked, he felt betrayed by the girl that could have been his. Lars was mad, he knew he wasn't gay but everyone thought otherwise! Lars eye's rolled to the back of his head, and his Mohawk got spikier, and turned white, his skin turned a lime green color too. Lars was now Zamasu (from Dragon Ball Super)!

 _ **Lars:**_ _"ALL HUMANS MUST DIE!" Lars shouted!_

Lars broke away from the rope that had him bound to the chair, and punched that fat ass cunt Steven to the ground!

 _ **Steven:**_ _"Wh-WHAT THE FUCK!?" Steven shouted highly confused!_

Ronaldo got out the whip and said:

 _ **Ronaldo:**_ _"If you were still brown this would be racist!" he said with an evil smile on his face!_

Ronaldo hit Lars with it, but it had no effect on Lars perfect gay body! Lars punched Ronaldo deep in the gut, and bitch slapped his glasses off of his face! Ronaldo was in disbelief!

 _ **Ronaldo:**_ _"Eeeer!" Ronaldo moaned in pain "YOU GREEN ALIEN CUNT!" Ronaldo shouted!_

Ronaldo then pulled out a gun from his pocket and tried to shoot Lars, but Lars was too quick! Lars kicked the gun out of his hand and beat the living shit out of Ronaldo!

 _ **Ronaldo:**_ _"STE- OUCH, STEVEN HELP, AAAH! MEEEE" Ronaldo pleaded!_

Steven summoned his shield and threw it at Lars! As soon as it had hit Lars a loud cracking sound went off, and Lars stopped moving! Steven had broken Lars neck! Lars then slowly fell on top of Ronaldo, but Ronaldo hastily pushed him off! They both looked at Lars dead corpse.

 _ **Ronaldo:**_ _"Uh uh uh what now!? I've never killed an alien before!" Ronaldo said uneasily._

 _ **Steven:**_ _"Uh, um! OH I KNOW! Don't worry I can't fix this!" Steven said!_

Steven then spit all over his hands and wiped the spit on Lars neck and face. Lars injuries had vanished and he started to breathe again, but unlike Connie Lars regained consciousness immediately! As soon as he was awake punched Steven to the ground!

 _ **Steven:**_ _"Wha!? I saved yo- *cough"_

Lars stated to strangle Steven fiercely! As Steven struggled for air Lars had an idea. Lars stretched his earlobe over Steven's head and got down to his neck, it was pretty hard to find but he found it! Lars squeezed his earlobe around Steven's neck, chocking him! Slowly applying more pressure! Ronaldo was impressed at how unconventional Lars was strangling Steven, but Ronaldo figured that this was the time to get the gun!

 _ **Lars:**_ _"HUMAN FILTH DIE!" Lars screeched!_

Ronaldo then got the gun and pointed it at Lars!

 _ **Ronaldo:**_ _"HEROES NEVER LIE, I MEAN DIE!" Ronaldo said heroically as he pulled the trigger._

To Ronaldo's surprise, there were no bullets in the gun!

 _ **Ronaldo:**_ _"Well, shiiiiiiiiiiit" Ronaldo said defeated._

But out of nowhere Connie and the Crystal Gems opened up the door to the lighthouse!

 _ **Connie:**_ _"Ronaldo! STEVEN! L-Lars… what the fuck!?" Connie said shocked. She was trying to figure out why find Lars on top of Steven naked, strangling him with his earlobe!_

Garnet wasn't having this shit and pushed Connie's scrawny ass out of the way, and summoned her gloves and punched Lars in the face, nearly killing him! Garnet punched him so hard that the earlobe that was strangling Steven dislocated from his body! Steven could now finally breath, Connie, Pearl, and Amethyst rushed to aid Steven! Ronaldo was starting to get a PTSD attack, from the last time the Crystal Gems beat his ass so he ran out of the light house!

 _ **Connie: "**_ _Are you okay!?" Connie asked Steven!_

 _ **Pearl:**_ _"Can you see mee!?" Pearl asked with concern!_

 _ **Steven:**_ _"Y-yeeah!" Steven replied._

 _ **Garnet:**_ _"Well, that's good" She said after beating Lars to pieces!_

Lars' face was unrecognizable after this beating, he minus well have been a pool of blood. Steven and the gang were freaking out because they didn't know what to do… But then a very bright light came down from the light house, the light traveled down to a foot above the floor, and a form started to take shape...

 _ **Steven:**_ _"Wha-What are you!?" Steven shouted out!_

The light then dissipated and a man was born, a man who looked like a retarded cookie on ecstasy, it was the one and only STOMEDY!

 _ **Stomedy:**_ _"GUESS WHO IT IS!?" Stomedy shouted!_

Steven instantly screamed!

 _ **Stomedy:**_ _"WRONG! GUESS AGAIN!" Stomedy replied._

Steven was about to reply but then everything started to fade away, and suddenly Steven jolted up from out of his bed. It was morning time.

 _ **Steven:**_ _*panting. "What… was that?" Steven questioned in fear! "All that must have been a dream…" Steven assumed._

Steven then looked at his feet and saw Stomedy in a kinky pink outfit at the end of his bed!

 _ **Stomdey:**_ _"WRONG! GUESS AGAIN! HA IT'S STOMEDY!" He shouted! As he leaped onto Steven's bed!_

 _ **Steven:**_ _"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"_

 **The End**


End file.
